Do Monkeys Eat Monkey Nuts?

Fuck me they make me angry. They give me turrets. Verbal diarrhoea erupts from my normally calm receptor.

 

If any other business ran the way my BANK did they'd be out on the streets. It's a shocking state. They have your money and they dictate the rules.

 

I was paid by a client in dollars. When I tried to withdraw some of the dollars from my dollar account the bank charged me $35 for the honour. It felt like my cleaner turning up and asking me to clean while she sat in front of the TV with a woman’s weekly on her knee.

 

I have tried for the last two weeks to get my bank to quote me a rate for saving my money. CITIBANK – a rival bank - have offered me 6.2% with an instant access account. To date the dreary and (in my mind) soon to be defunct Royal (ha!) Bank of Scotland has offered me 5% if I lock it away for two months.

 

Are banks unable to make outgoing calls because they never call me back? When I call them I get a variety of different but identically sounding bland Guileless voices that passively quote the same thing, offering hollow apologies for the lack of service. You can tell from their voices they don’t want to be there. You can sense their faded childhood dreams of one day playing in a premier division football team.  Now they are trapped like monkeys in a cage in the banks florescent lit,  sterile offices. They spend their days in their polycotton suits counting down the minutes on the office clock that hangs next to the photocopier. 

 

 

I was dragged kicking and screaming to lunch with my bank manager or 'relationship manager' he turned up wearing novelty Bart Simpson socks under his man made fibre suit. I sat opposite him watching his mouth move not actually hearing anything. Wondering if it would seem rude if I ordered a coffee and the bill for my first course?

 

Why do I don't want lunch or drinks with my bank manager? All I want - as Eliza would say - is for the bank to do their job. I would just like my call returned, payments to be made and not lost, new cheque books to be sent: Little things, basic functions. 

 

Like the poster that claims: Don’t Hate Mother because She’s Beautiful. I know I must learn not to rage about my bank. It's not their fault they are incapable and inept. You can only expect so much from the monkey in the cage. I wonder if they’d be any better if they were fed a different nut?