Driving in the Fast Lane

It is the Murder Capital of the world and after my journey today I would not be surprised to discover it is also high up the charts for motor accidents. Two points to you if you guessed I am talking about Guatemala in Central America.

 

Nerves of steel and quick reflexes are the minimum requirements when you decide to set off on a road trip here.  I am staying in Antigua –the former capital of Central America and quaint Colonial town with cobbled streets and dormant volcano - enroute to Lake Atitlan for a friend's Wedding.

 

We were pre-warned by the Bride that there were going to be road works on the way but were totally unprepared for the scale of destruction and construction we were to witness. It was total bedlam: miles of old motorway is being widened and adjoining hillside is being hacked into. Family homes that once lay happily on the side of the roads are now being bulldozed and removed. Rather than start one section of road it appears construction workers are randomly and abstractly working where they choose creating chaos. It is a relentless task that will easily take years to complete and during the development it will undoubtedly cause hours of trauma, delay and tantrum for all life on the road. 

 

I am no novice when it comes to dealing with road works and delays. I have spent many a time stuck behind a mobile home crawling up a hill, but Guatemalan Roads are an absolute nightmare, even without the new building works. The roads have pot holes that are deep enough to swim in and then we have the Guatemalan drivers who are complete psychopaths behind the wheel. If kamikaze driving became an Olympic sport Guatemala would unquestionably win the bronze, silver and gold.

 

The main offenders are the drivers of the multi-coloured public buses, known affectionately as ‘Chicken Buses.’ For some reason they seem to think they are driving their Granny’s old mini and not a huge heaving juggernaut, vacuum packed with quivering and impoverished Guatemalans.  If the roads were straight it would possibly be acceptable to watch them overtake you like a ball out of a cannon but on hairpin bends and blind corners it is another thing all together.

 

A few last minute driving tips: If you get the short straw and have to drive I suggest you swallow a handful of valium before leaving. If you are a passenger wear a blindfold, earmuffs and a mask if possible. That way you can avoid watching the stray dogs, boys on push bikes, infants with sticks, women with loads on their heads, men with full wheel barrows, duck and dive the on coming juggernauts. It feels like a gratuitous Playstation game only this is real and it’s excruciating to watch.

 

The earmuffs are to muffle the deafening honking horns of the buses, the mask is to avoid the heavy black noxious smoke that pumps out generously from the exhaust pipes of these Terminator like machines - Guatemala is really not a place to come to if you have tuberculosis unless you have a healthy life insurance policy your family are anxious to claim from.

 

The one joy of driving here is the satisfaction and ecstasy you feel when you arrive at your destination in one piece, airbags still intact, nerves a little frayed but no knocks or bumps to car or your body. It feels like a modern day Miracle.